A mom thing

A Mom Thing...

Here's an oldie but a goodie - wrote this after Ella was born - 10/08


It’s been almost a week now since my mom left to head back north after spending six weeks here in Atlanta. It has been an adjustment to say the least. I’ve gone from relying heavily on her suggestions and advice regarding how to care for Ella, to having to rely on my own instincts, and anyone who knows me knows that I tend to doubt myself. If you haven’t picked up on that, then I’ve just been good at fooling you. That is one thing I’m pretty sure I’m good at.


The day she left, we were all lying on the bed together, Ella between my mom and I. When I looked over at my mom she had tears streaming down her face, and of course my eyes subsequently welled up. We laughed, because we knew that was bound to happen. It had been an amazing six weeks together, and we knew all along saying goodbye would be difficult. I’m one of those women who is fortunate to have a great relationship with my mom. We work at it. I know a lot of women who can’t say the same, and it saddens me. Anyhow, that’s a whole different digression. In the same moment that my mom began to cry, Ella began to have her own personal meltdown. It’s unlikely that she was also feeling the imminent absence of her new grandmother, but one never knows! All the same, there we were, three generations of Kluse/Pearson women crying bitter sweet tears together. Ella may have just been hungry, but I like to think she was right with us in our flood of emotions. 


Anyhow, in that moment, my mom simply looked at me and said “thank you for Ella”. What else could she say? But in all honesty, it’s not me she needed to thank. Really, it was in God’s hands all along. Ella was always meant for this world. She’s our little messenger. After she made that statement, we said a quick goodbye, no need to prolong our own sadness, or Ella’s own distress.


When I walked into Ella’s nursery to change her I immediately felt my mother’s absence and presence simultaneously. Mom was gone, but as Ella cried, I could hear my mom right behind me saying “oh what’s all this fuss!”, and “you poor thing!”, just as she had for the past six weeks. It was my mom after all who had taught me to laugh through Ella’s tears. It is simply how babies communicate. She taught me to handle it with grace and calmness. If it weren’t for her, I surely would have had many flustered moments. I then began to change Ella, only to find that I myself began sobbing, and I just let the tears flow as they needed. I cried as I held her, and I cried as I rocked her. I cried right along with her. As I cried, I realized a thought so simple, yet so beautiful. I realized that you never stop needing your mom. I was 27 years old and needing my mom to help me become a mother, needing my mom to tell me to trust my own “mother’s intuition”, and Ella was four weeks old and needing me as her mom for survival. I thought, “Wow, she is still going to need me when she is 27 too. A child will always need their mother, the needs will simply change. I have to acknowledge that it is both a terrifying and wonderful thought. I alone am going to have to/be able to hopefully fill those needs. I will fail miserably at some, and be successful beyond what I ever thought capable with others, and that is the reality of parenting. My mom always says that she would go back and change things that she did as a parent, but I wouldn’t have her change a thing.


I suppose that the old saying is true that “A mother’s work is never done”, and I feel honored to be able to have the opportunity to take on that work. The responsibility is huge, bigger than anything I’ve ever felt, but this feels like living, this feels like what we are meant to do.