Validation

I'm tired, and migrainey, so this is thrown together - take it for what it's worth :-)

Today as I was driving home from work, I gave my mom a call.  I call my mom all the time, sometimes I think I harass my mom.  I don't ever have much to talk about, but I just like to talk to hear her voice.  Today when I called she said, "your ears must have been ringing", and I said "oh yeah, you were talking about me eh?", to which she said "yeah, I was talking to Gloria in North Western (an office).  I've been thinking about you a lot, been worried reading your facebook posts. You seem a little down", to which I responded "really? sniffle sniffle". 

Then I carried on about how things have just been a little chaotic, what with the 60 days of migraines, four months without pay, two kids, having to brush my hair AND my teeth, plus sweep and such.  It's just all so overwhelming.  She seemed to think I might have a touch of PPD.....I don't know, I think this might just be par for the cou....well, maybe not. 

Moms...they know everything.  What she didn't know was that I had just contacted my old therapist Tara on Tuesday, telling her I was suspecting the same thing.  Tara had emailed me back, telling me she was so happy I had "reached out", but I had been too embarrassed, and unsure of my suspicions to email her back.  Instead, I googled "Postpartum Depression symptoms" over and over again, and then decided that "yes" this was totally me, and then "no" this was not me.  It's kind of like addiction though.  If you are spending any amount of time wondering if you are an addict, then the answer is probably YES.  People who are not addicts never even entertain that thought.  

When I was four months pregnant with Ella, I knew something wasn't right.  I was just more emotional than the normal pregnant person.  Then again, we were also planning a wedding.  We don't do things like most other people - The whole, "work smarter, not harder" thing, yeah..it's kind of lost on us.  Anyway, I started taking medication at that point, and it made a world of difference.  With Cora, I didn't take anything, and I was so proud, miserably proud.  What a waste of energy that was.  Looking back, I should have been on something.

The weird thing about PPD is that there doesn't seem to be a clear picture of what it should look like.  When I think of depression, I imagine that commercial of the wind up tin woman, who needs someone to crank up her dial before she can function each day.  I don't feel that way at all.  In fact, my favorite part of the day is first thing in the morning.  It involves coffee, fairly pleasant kids, happy news on the radio, and usually no headache. I feel pretty darn good at work all day getting to socialize with people, talk with funny little kids, and be part of the world in general.  But what I realized, is that I can feel pretty swell, great in fact, as long as everything goes-as-planned.  The minute something gets slightly overwhelming, say the dishwasher isn't run, or laundry is left in the washer, or I forgot to get gas, and I'm five minutes behind schedule, the meltdown begins.  Or, everything is calm and peaceful, and then the baby is crying while the dog is barking at pork loin on the stove - total basket case.  See, when I type this, I can see how whacked it is, but at the time, I think, "I'm just overwhelmed, I'm a mom with two kids, this is normal".  How can it be though?  Life does not go as planned, and that has to be okay, right?.  Try as I might, I can't make myself roll with the punches though.  Instead, I feel like I just get beat up like a little wuss all day.

Up until this point I had a whole bunch of excuses to explain my behavior - First, it was that Cora had colic and reflux, and she basically cried all day, until 10 pm.  That was definitely an excuse to feel depressed. Then, I was totally sleep deprived, which tends to make people a tad bit weepy.  Next up, heading back to work and taking on the world.  While that certainly justifies a few rough days, it's been over a month now, and things are actually just worse than ever.  I used to look forward to a glass of wine each night, but now I don't even care about that.  If that's not a red flag, I don't know what is!

To be honest, I just feel embarrassed that I've been writing all these "blogs" thinking I'm okay, and I'm obviously NOT. To make matters worse, I wonder if it was blatantly obvious to you.  Truly, it shouldn't matter, but I'm human, and prideful.  At the risk of further embarrassment, I am obviously continuing to share my thoughts.  I guess they call that logorrhea.  My hope is that I can give a face to PPD, because I've been spending the past few months imagining it as someone and something other than myself, which I think a lot of women probably do.  I imagined it was someone who moped around and couldn't get out of bed, but the truth is, when you are a mom, that's not an option.  So, you get out of bed, you put on a happy face, and you cry in your alone moments. 

For me, PPD looks like keeping a clean house the best I can , but only seeing the mess.  Trying to make a nice dinner, but only seeing why it's a disaster.  Having great intentions for the day, but getting overwhelmed with everything that must get done.  Wanting to have a social life, but choosing to stay in over and over again, because it just keeps everything simpler.  Loving my babies to pieces, but being unable to shake the feeling that another mom would be better for them. Constantly wondering, "have I always been this way?"  And that right there is really the clue I guess.  Not being able to remember what normal feels like, what being "Liz" feels like. 

So, when my mom said today "you seem a little down", it meant EVERYTHING to me.  Sometimes, we just need someone to validate what we know in our hearts, so we can say it out loud. Now that I've said it out loud, and to all of you, I'm going to do what I need to do to get back to Liz.  That means being proactive and not being such a stubborn and prideful mama.  And seriously, don't be scared of me.  I'm not going to "freak out" on you.  I reserve ALL of that for Anthony.  I want you to know that when/If you see me, I am always being "me".  I am not treating you any differently, so don't feel like you have to treat me any differently just because this is out there.  Know what I mean?  Let's not be weirdos.  :-)  I think I've got enough of that covered anyway.

I hope this gives you, or maybe someone you know the freedom to know that this is real, and it's okay, and they are not alone. 
XOXO
Liz