Tenets of My Mama

Ella and my mom

Dear Mom,                                                                                           5/13/12

Now that I'm a mom, mother’s day feels a little different.  A few years ago, I would have wandered around Walgreens and taken my time choosing the perfect card.  Then I would have gone to some local antique store, or neat shop with handmade goodies to find you something unique.  This year though, I'm running around like a maniac with a three year old clinging to my leg, a baby on my hip, and just now realizing that mother's day is around the corner.  You and dad will be arriving tomorrow to stay for the week, and I am so excited.  How many daughters can say that they are SO excited about their parents coming to stay for a week?  In all honesty, I'm not totally excited.  There is a wee little part of me that is sad, because you are only staying a week, and not the usual three months.  I guess we can't keep you locked up in the basement forever though. 

So, we get to spend mother's day together!  I got to thinking about what you might like, and where I could go shopping, and then it occurred to me exactly where I needed to go.  The place I needed to go was very close by actually, and required no traveling at all.  I realized that I needed only to go in my heart, and in my head, because that is where all the gifts are, all the gifts that you have given me.  The hardest part of being a mom is the fact that you never know if what you say, or what you do is having an impact. You are never sure what words and what actions your children will hold onto and keep into adulthood. 

So, I thought I would let you know just some of things I have held onto over the years that came from you, so you would know that all of your hard work was well worth it. 

1. "We can make that" - Every time we were shopping, and you saw my jaw drop over some amazing outfit, dress, hair accessory, or what have you, it never failed. There you were, leaning behind my ear whispering "we can make that".  Before I could whine "but moooommmmm", you had whipped me into JoAnn Fabrics.  You enthusiastically flipped through pattern catalogues and pulled out piles of fabric for me to choose from, while I pouted, doubting your every move. "WHYYYYY CAN'T WE JUST BUY THE DRESS!!"  But every time, I mean every time, "we made that", and no one was the wiser.  Within no time, I hired you as my full time seamstress.  Unfortunately, I still staple the hem of my pants. 

2. There are times for truth, and there are times for grace- I will never forget the year I got my first real dollhouse.  It wasn't one of those plastic or cardboard dollhouses, and it was not meant for Barbies.  It was a handmade, hand painted, hand decorated doll house, with real wood furniture and a porcelain potty!  I think it was Victorian or colonial, either way, I wanted more than anything to be small enough to live in it. 

About a week before my birthday, I was snooping around the house for my gifts, and came across the house hidden under a blanket. As I lifted the blanket to take a peek, I gasped in the way all children do when they see something they have only dreamed about, sitting right before their eyes. From what I could gather, you were in the middle of decorating the interior of the house, almost finished actually.  I saw all the creative beauty you had poured into it, all the time spent carefully choosing fabric, carpet, paint, and wallpaper for each room.  I remember falling in love with the children's bedrooms and the nursery. 

My heart skipped a beat with excitement, but I was quickly filled with guilt and disappointment in myself for having snooped.  I heard footsteps, and turned to with wide eyes to see you standing behind me.  To my surprise, the look you gave me wasn't "I'm going to kill you".  In fact, it was much worse.  The look on your face said "I'm so sad you saw that already".  We didn't really discuss it at all from what I recall. Sometimes   an exchange of "looks" is enough to say a thousand words.

On the day of my birthday, I came down the stairs, unsure of what I would find.  I was fairly certain that the house would not be there.  As much as I was in love with that house, there was a part of me that hoped it wouldn't be there, just so I wouldn't have to deal with the awkwardness of pretending I was seeing something for the first time. 

When I came down the stairs and turned the corner, the house was there.  I was thrilled, but still unsure of how to act.  As far as birthdays go in our house, everything felt "normal". The balloons and decorations were put up, and cameras were out and ready to start firing, even the "You Are Special Today" plate was out and ready.

When it was time to open gifts, I climbed behind the house, eager to peek into all the little nooks and crannies that I had missed during my initial snooping.  As I made my way to the back of the house, I was shocked at what appeared before me.  Everything single thing I had seen before, the kitchen floor, the children's bedrooms, the nursery, all of it had been transformed.  It was like seeing it for the first time, all over again.  I didn't have to pretend a single thing.  The joy in my heart and on my face was pure.  Over the years, I've imagined you having to stay up late and re-decorate that house.   I see you in a dark basement, exhausted with a hot glue gun, furious at the situation, but wanting me to have that moment of joy.  Mom, you could have taught me a tough lesson in truth, but you chose grace.  In the process, I learned that I had disappointed you, but you forgave me.  What a beautiful lesson.

3. Everyone needs a "Stay Home Day" -

Sometimes you just need a day to stay home and get regrounded.  As a kid, the world was a little over stimulating to me at times, and I had a high need for "Liz time".  Somehow, you were able to gauge when I really needed this time, and when I was just being a whiney kid.  One of these days fell on my birthday one year.   Most kids want to go to school on their birthday because you get loaded up with attention and sugar.  Instead I cashed in my token for a day alone, and it was AWESOME.  I got a "Ski Barbie", and I spent the entire day playing with her, by myself, outside in the snow.  It was perfect. This could be seen as just recreation, or it could be seen as re-creation.  Sometimes we need a day to take a step back, and work on getting back in touch with ourselves, re-creating ourselves.

Thank you mom for not just knowing who I was and what I needed, but nurturing who I was and what I needed. I may have missed some lessons at school, but I learned how to check in with myself and take care of myself so I can be better overall.  I'm thankful to have this awareness, so that I can be checked into the needs of my own little sensitive birds.

4. Worst Case Scenario - As you know mom, I was a worrier.  Reading food labels for cholesterol levels at the age of eight was just a snap shot of my laundry list of worries.  When I would start in with all of my "what ifs", you would sit me down and walk me through the "worst case scenario" exercise.  You taught me to ask myself "what's the worst that can happen?" and then problem solve through it. By the time we finished troubleshooting, I was usually laughing because I had realized just how irrational my thinking had become. For instance, if I ran out of my cholesterol medicine, (at the age of eight) I could always borrow some from my great grandfather.  Problem solved. 

5. Men are not clairvoyant - The end.

6. Call me -

Whenever I left the house to go out with friends, you always said "call me if you need a ride".  Boy, did I ever take advantage of that.  Thank you for all the times you climbed out of bed to drive out in the rain, sleet, and snow in your pajamas to rescue me from parties, bars, and bad situations all around.  I always knew I could call you at any time and you would never judge me, yell at me or condemn me.  It was simple, "Call me" No questions asked. 

7. Value your reputation – Mom, you taught me that my reputation could be tarnished easily and quickly.  You made it clear to me that once my reputation was damaged, it would not be easily repaired.  You taught me that people would judge me based on who I associated with, and that I needed to use good judgment in choosing my friends.

8.   Be generous - My home is your home, my family is your family, my wine glass is your wine glass.

In Church they always say "If you have more, then do more and give more".  Mom, you have not always had more, but still, you have always done more, and given more.  Whenever there has been a need with our family, a friend, or the community, I have never once seen you close your hand on our resources and say "we can't afford that right now", or "that's not our family's responsibility".  I have only known you to open your hand and give.  You give with your time, you give with your love, you give with your nursing skills, you give with your money, and you give with your creativity.    You are rich in so many ways.

Our house has always been a place for anyone and everyone to call home. You didn't have to be family to feel like family. I learned that true joy and big memories come from having an attitude of "the more the merrier".  It may take a lot of work and a lot of effort, but the payoff is a lifetime full of rich memories, many of which involve you drinking wine from my glass. 

Which leads me to my last thought - No matter how many special wine glasses we buy you, somehow, you end up drinking out of everyone else’s glass.  I think this is because you realize that life is not about the little details. What really matters is how much you are enjoying the moment.  I get caught up in the minutia; the tiny details clog my thinking, and make it hard for me to enjoy the big picture.  When I get stuck in this pattern of thinking, it helps me to imagine you walking around, carefree, and sipping on my glass of wine. (Until I yell at you of course, and write my name on it with a sharpie)

It turns out, you have taught me some incredibly valuable lessons
 

> Nurture your creative side, it will pay off.
>Forgive with grace
>Know yourself
>Laugh at yourself
>People cannot read your mind, you need to speak up.
>Safety first!
>Never forget who you are
>Life is short - give without thinking, and don't sweat the small stuff - like whose wine you are drinking.

Mom - I started with a much longer list of things, but this would have been the never ending letter, and I have to save some material for next year.  Just know that you are an amazing mother and grandmother, and I still watch what you do, and learn from it.  I listen to the things you say to Ella and Cora, and I feel like I'm a child all over again.  Ella and Cora are so blessed to have you as their Yaya, and I am so blessed to have you as my mama.  Thank you for being you.  Happy mother's day.

Love,

Lizzie